5 am and I'm googling pictures of Kate Humble on the laptop and grumpy appears on the stairs. Hit alt / F4 and pretend to wake up.

This time the old boy is off to North Norfolk on his own.

Amazingly he didn't forget anything this time ! Dragging a Kayak across a shingle beach however is apparently not much fun and as he found out launching off it at low tide isn't much fun either. Two attempts resulted in failure with the boat being bounced back on the beach and a subsequent stroll out into the surf to recover the rear tray !

Third time lucky and the old fool finally gets to sea. Brushing gravel off the deck and out of the footwells he arrives at the wreck yo be greeted by an enormous boil of bass feeding on shoals of whitebait. His first thought was to take a photo, where you and I would be thinking string a lure on the line. The camera however read "card needs initialisation" so that got slung back in his pocket to be sorted out later.

The next two hours was spent paddling past massive boils of bass jumping out of the water and chucking four feather lures with a spoon on the end into the boils. The bass were taking the feathers and the lure and were coming out as singles, doubles and triples. To say grumpy had a good time is quite probably an understatement and he's still jibbering on about the two four pounders that came in on two feathers. Apparently landing large Bass on a light spinning rod is rather good fun. However this all ended abruptly about ten o'clock when the sun went behind cloud and the sea started to rough up a bit. Quite happy with his day's adventure he made the decision to head back in.

The landing was a challenge on the shingle as he found out when he came in , in front of anglers and tourists, he buried the nose in the gravel coming to an abrupt halt. Still at least he didn't capsize, although I doubt even that would have wiped that daft grin off his face !

He's been home for two hours now and still has that same stupid grin on his face. There are ten bass on the kitchen sink being prepared for my tea (might have to pace myself there - even I have limits) which may seem a tad indulgent, but when 35 went back (is he mad ?) it was only a quarter of the total catch.

Now where was I ? Ah yes , a quick check of the bum and back to googling Kate Humble before tea .......



The bass boils (which apparently don't look so impressive in a photo) , schoolie in lap , a two pounder coming in , a triple shot being landed and my tea !


George

I would like to apologise to Kate Humble for any distress I may have recently caused her.

Since my forthcoming appearance on Springwatch was filmed and I enjoyed the most erotic cuddle in the studios with Kate, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. It was only out of curiosity that I spent six nights under her hedge watching her every move.



I have the utmost respect for Kate and would not wish to upset her in any way and following her to and from work has been mis-interperatated by the press. I was merely trying to lose some weight by exercising and this seemed like a good way of doing so.



My camera has been konfisticated and I have been advised that I must not go within 500 metres of her house, even if she is pestered by a plague of mice or her life threatened by woman eating sparrows.

I'm sure this mis-understanding will be resolved amicably and Kate and I will kiss and make up.

George

A GLORIOUS SIDE PROFILE

Thank you to all my fans who wrote to the BBC to tell them about me.

I'd just had my breakfast and had given my face a good wash and was just contemplating checking the butt, when the door bell rang. Grumpy answered it and a BBC film crew was there asking for an interview with yours truly. The old boy tramped off leaving me with a rather hot young interviewer, fresh out of journalist school. Straightening my whiskers I laid back on the settee and charmed her pants off.



As a result of this , a few days later I was approached by the producers of something called springwatch. They wanted me to star in the 2011 series with Kate Humble and Ben Furgell. Well I have to say right now that I've been a fan of our Kate for quite a while , ever since she started going out with Russell Brand , which confirmed my suspicions that she has to be a bit slutty. I enjoyed the cuddle with her and charmed her pants off as well with my sultry stare and endearing purr, just a shame about the little accident on her blouse. Still she's used to getting down and dirty with animals !




The prgramme was to be about wildlife in the garden and they felt a cat with such a pleasant disposition as mine would be an ideal subject. Now , I have to say that I do regret the incident with the baby birds , but in my defence I am a carnivore and they were snack sized prey. Anyway I think I got away with it as I hid the feathers rather well (Ben Furgells man bag actually - lets see him explain that one away)




The shoot went well , despite me giving in to the urge to spray on the camermans leg. The shoot is in the editing room as we speak and should be shown about March of next year. I will of course advise my adoring public nearer the time.

Love you all darlings, now off to check my profile
George

He's back on form. Another 4am alarm call and on the water by 6am. The tide was right, the weather was right and he was there with an even bigger selection of lures than last time. Trouble was nobody warned the fish.

To be honest I've got writers block. As much as I want to say something funny or sarcastic I really can't think of anything and he didn't have any numpty moments. Nothing was forgotten, no dramas, in fact it all went well apart from the lack of fish.

He did have an unexpected playmate in the shape of a human called an "Ian" The Ian unlike our beloved hero did manage to catch a fish which was duly returned to fight another day. Clearly the Ian doesn't have a cat.

Chatting in the car park they were joined by the "Bill" who was offering consolation on the lack of fish, being somewhat of an expert in the matter himself.

An uneventful journey home and the poor old chap had to have a cat nap to recover from his exertions.

I'm very sorry folks but even the great bard hit the wall on occasions and this really is the best I can come up with. Now what would William have done ? Of course , he'd have cleaned his backside and curled up in the sun.

See you
George



The Ian lands his fish

Grumpy: Morning George , have a good night ?

George: What the fook ? What are you doing it's 4am ?

Oh hold on , yes that's the spot , under the chin , oh god keep doing it , oh that is good , really good.

You've stopped what's happening ?

Grumpy: Got to dash , want to launch at 6 at the latest.

George: Where to this time , big man ?

Grumpy: Back to the wreck at Gorleston George , you'll have Bass for tea !

George: Of course I will , just leave the can opener handy.........

Quick shower, pack van, hitch up Kayak, drive to Gorleston
Kit up, launch Kayak and paddle around to see what's happening
Sand eels and Bass breaking surface - could be fun
Bill and Dave turn up
Old masts showing high activity
Grumpy catches 6 Bass over two hours.
Three nice schoolies returned and a 3.5 pounder and 2 , 2 pounders in the hatch
Dave puts all to shame - 4 keepers all around 3 to 4 pound - many returned
Bill takes over from Grumpy blanking with style
Bill has visit from RNLI asking if he is OK - word of his blanking travels fast , but very nice of them to offer this level of service
Three old boys return to shore , two with smiles on faces.
Bill smiles as Dave hands him two bass.
Drive home , George eats humble pie with lashings of Bass

My fans will notice a distinct lack of sarcasm in this report.

Come on even I don't bite the hand that feeds me Bass !

George

For some reason, cleaning my backside seems to occupy a large part of my day. It was 3pm and I was putting the final shine to the butt, when Grumpy walked in the front door with a smile on his face and a plaster on his finger.

I sat him down with a nice cup of tea and asked him what was going on ?

It transpired he had left early in the morning taking care not to wake Mrs Grumpy and had arrived at Gorleston at about 9am with the Jimmy. Well actually they arrived twice, because they had to go back to the sweet shop so The Jimmy could buy them some sweeties and bottles of pop.

They unloaded the boats on the road as his 4x4 thingy is too high to go under the car park barrier and as you would expect from a couple of pensioners they creaked about getting ready and eventually had the Kayaks on the shore line and took a few minutes to recover from the exertion.

The highlight of the launch seemed to be the number of small flies on the boats and much discussion was had as to what they were and whether they should take photos to record the event. Apparently Kayakers get quite excited about this kind of thing and like to make 20 minute videos of flies and other crap to put on forums.

I would say at this point that they both intended having a recreational paddle and for this reason Grumpy had only packed one small rod and they were both mentally prepared for endurance paddling rather than any serious fishing. This might explain what follows.

They paddled out to the White Swan, which is the third old wreck in this saga (Saga - get it ? damn we cats are sharp) to be greeted by lots of buoys and pieces of rope, something called a commercial had laid out there. Once clear of them they started what they thought would be a quick fish followed by that paddle.

Grumpy drops his new 100 gram "muppet" lure attached to four mackerel feathers. This didn't have time to hit the bottom when the rod went wild and two nice schoolie bass had hooked themselves - Yum Yum Unfortunately one came off near the surface and the other was returned after David Bailey done his bit.



So the recreational paddle was abandoned after the sonar was showing more fish than chavs at a Katie Price book signing. They then spent four hours running up and down in the current throwing lures and feathers about in what was a Bass feeding frenzy.

They both lost three fish each on the retrieve and The Jimmy managed to hold onto a nice brace.



Grumpy very nearly had his first heart attack when after 30 minutes of inactivity his 1.3 metre rod bent into a "C" and he struggled to pull in what he thought was a snag. A bass of about 4 to 5 pound had taken his plug and a pouting had taken the jelly. The pouting slipped free near the surface and Grumpys best Bass ever was on his lap.

It was at this point that the lack of planning paid off. With the forceps in the stowage area and no glove, Grumpy was trying to free a large and strong bass from the lure with his hands. Result - one treble hook deeply planted in his birdy finger and one pissed off Bass, so pleased with that result, it leapt back into the sea waving a fin as it went.

Luckily the Jimmy is used to dealing with such life threatening injuries from his time in the battlefield. He deftly removed the hook and snatched Grumpys life from the jaws of death.

The last hour went quiet as the sun went in and the numbers of fish dropped markedly. So the old boys headed back to shore with a smile on their faces and Jimmy with his tea for the evening. And where was my Bass - that's right still at sea - AGAIN !





So the old dears dragged the boats back to the car park and loaded up ready to go home and find Grumpy the largest and most dramatic plaster they could to dress his wounds.

Ready to drive off, a cry of "Oh Fuck" was heard around Gorleston as The Jimmy realised he wasn't going to get out under the barrier with the Kayaks on the roof, that they had spent so much time loading on. An hilarious end to a great days fishing.